This is always the hardest moment in life these days for me. People don't respond the emails in the way I hope for. People show indifference in their attitude towards me. I feel ignored. I feel that people don't listen to me. I feel that people look beyond me. I feel that people take me for granted.
Yes, right.. don't I also do this to others who I care less for?
Why do I do that to others? 1. Don't want others to get the wrong impression and afraid of being hit on so I will have to deal with the uncomfortable situation to reject them. 2. Would like to hang out with more positive people. 3. Disagree what other people said. 4. Think that I am a better person than they are...
See.. I am discrimate to strangers so that I am easily hurt by strangers' rejection. Does this make sense? I will ponder on this a bit more.
Perhaps, the angle of looking at the things can be better based on being mindful, kindness, renunciation, and compassion. I will let go my superficial judgment on strangers just as much as I let go superficial judgments from the strangers in me.
Come back and visit this...
6/1/2006
I had a good fortunate to be part of the 48 hour film project. Some people that I met throught the group are bright, shining, talented, and spiritual. For instance, Audery and Patrick, or Charles to certain degree... I must say (at least that is how I felt) I am trying to write down how I felt to examine exactly what is going on in my head.
I felt that those shining people don't have interest in being friends with me. Perhaps, I projected that sort of image on them. I also feel a bit that Brent could have been friendly with me solely because I could provide him transportation or web site development. (Just keep writing down what my insecurities are.. write them down freely... they are the feelings and don't use any morality to tell myself that I *should* or *shouldn't* feel certain way...) They will form plans without me, which makes me feel less of myself as if I am not cool to be their friends. But, this is just merely my projection. Whether it is real or not, I don't know. At this stage of the game (i.e. I don't have a deep friendship with them. There is no need to press that at all.) Friendship only develops naturally and with the mutal interests. I don't need to create conflicts in me. I don't need to be the center of attention all the time. If I don't initiate, why would other people do?
A lot of things that I feel are solely based on my ego. Ego needs to be fed. The film project is a good illustration. People with ego like to be on the camera and be seen. What about those people who worked behind the scene? Portia, Tari, Jonathan? They are fine people, too.
Yes, right.. don't I also do this to others who I care less for?
Why do I do that to others? 1. Don't want others to get the wrong impression and afraid of being hit on so I will have to deal with the uncomfortable situation to reject them. 2. Would like to hang out with more positive people. 3. Disagree what other people said. 4. Think that I am a better person than they are...
See.. I am discrimate to strangers so that I am easily hurt by strangers' rejection. Does this make sense? I will ponder on this a bit more.
Perhaps, the angle of looking at the things can be better based on being mindful, kindness, renunciation, and compassion. I will let go my superficial judgment on strangers just as much as I let go superficial judgments from the strangers in me.
Come back and visit this...
6/1/2006
I had a good fortunate to be part of the 48 hour film project. Some people that I met throught the group are bright, shining, talented, and spiritual. For instance, Audery and Patrick, or Charles to certain degree... I must say (at least that is how I felt) I am trying to write down how I felt to examine exactly what is going on in my head.
I felt that those shining people don't have interest in being friends with me. Perhaps, I projected that sort of image on them. I also feel a bit that Brent could have been friendly with me solely because I could provide him transportation or web site development. (Just keep writing down what my insecurities are.. write them down freely... they are the feelings and don't use any morality to tell myself that I *should* or *shouldn't* feel certain way...) They will form plans without me, which makes me feel less of myself as if I am not cool to be their friends. But, this is just merely my projection. Whether it is real or not, I don't know. At this stage of the game (i.e. I don't have a deep friendship with them. There is no need to press that at all.) Friendship only develops naturally and with the mutal interests. I don't need to create conflicts in me. I don't need to be the center of attention all the time. If I don't initiate, why would other people do?
A lot of things that I feel are solely based on my ego. Ego needs to be fed. The film project is a good illustration. People with ego like to be on the camera and be seen. What about those people who worked behind the scene? Portia, Tari, Jonathan? They are fine people, too.
Comments